Doug Gould

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January 3 2023

Whose Approval Do You Crave?

Doug Gould Personal Development authenticity, co-dependency, God's approval, seeking validation

Here’s a thought…

It was once said that if you live for people’s acceptance, you will die from your own rejection.

We read in Hebrews 11:2:

“Through their faith, the people in days of old earned a good reputation.”

Another translation reads “earning a good report.”

Why Do We Need Validation?

As I continue to work in the field of addiction treatment and counseling services, there is one common underlying tone to most human behaviors: It is the need for validation. But why? Where does this overwhelming need for approval come from and is it really all that bad?

Let me begin answering those questions this way:

We all enjoy recognition for our achievements and a good old pat on the back occasionally. However, we begin to cross the line when our need for approval is more directed inward than upward. When this occurs, those who may have some prior insecurities will seek out validation constantly, and thus, this need for attention becomes their “value” thermometer. This need for value can produce behaviors of “codependency,” or valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself.

Furthermore, when our actions towards others are generated by what I can receive rather than what I can give, we may have an issue with validation addiction.

Finding Your Authentic Self Through God

We want to feel acknowledged, right, or even attractive by others. Unfortunately, the ugly little secret of your thoughts are consumed by what others are thinking of you, then rest assured, you will find no inner peace until you begin to redirect your thinking on what God desires from you rather than what you think others are requiring from you.

I heard an old saying years ago that went like this:

“I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am, I am what I think you think I am.”

The Trap of External Validation

Much like chemical addiction, the need for validation can be a progressive path that you may want to stay off of because once on this trail, the craving can become so intense that we lose focus. This is why we are encouraged in Lamentations 3:40 which says,

“Let us examine our ways and test them; let us return to the Lord.”

Good report comes from the Greek word “Martyreo.” This is where we get the word Martyr from, which means: “to bear witness or to give affirmation to that to which we have seen and heard from.

In Philippians 4:9 we read:

“Those things that you have both learned, and received and heard, and seen in me, DO, and the God of peace will be with you.”

Finding and Living in Truth

So, how do I handle my insecurities? How do I check my motives behind my behavior? The answer comes when we ask ourselves: who will get the attention (or recognition) from my actions?

When we seek to gain man’s approval through self-righteous deeds apart from true faith, then we may have an issue with validation addiction. In fact, we also may have an issue with “faith comes by works” which we all know is simply not true.

The Bible says in Ephesians 2:8

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.”

So, I leave you with this thought to think about:

…the next time you do a nice deed or say a kind word, just do it for the Glory of God – because really, isn’t that all the validation we really need? When this can be used as our “value” thermometer, then trust me, your “good report” will just be a part of your character.

December 30 2022

Healing the Seed of Bitterness

Doug Gould Personal Development chemical dependency, finding forgiveness, God's grace, unresolved hurt

“Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”
Hebrews 12:14-15

Have You Ever Wondered What Causes Bitterness?

Even the word “bitterness” seems to leave a nasty taste! But that seed of bitterness is derived from a hurt that has been planted in you by someone else. It may have been intentional or unintentional, but whatever the case may be, if left unresolved, this hurt has the potential to grow into bitterness.

When this occurs, the actual hurt can at times become enlarged to a point that it can cause us to be confused – why? Because sometimes the hurt can be our own imagination.

Sometimes, the hurt is simply a misunderstanding that escalates into a conflict. Harsh words are spoken in anger, and thus, we experience feelings of being disrespected and discontent. At times, this hurt can be real or even blown out of proposition to the actual offense. Either way, if left unchecked and if the hurt is not dealth with, it has the potential to lead us down roads of destruction, including that of chemical dependency.

“If we allow this bitterness to settle in our hearts, then the condition of our soil becomes compromised.” (The Parable of the Sower, Mathew 13)
John MacArthur

The Bibles says in Lamentations 3:40: Let us examine our ways and test them; let us return to the Lord.

How We Can Examine Ourselves?

So, here are two points for us to examine if we are indeed holding onto bitterness:

The Soil of Bitterness:

This is a heart that harbors hostility and does not deal with hurt by the grace of God. When someone becomes bitter, the bitterness takes root in the heart and grows deeper.

As we work with those in recovery, we have discovered a world of people who have not dealt properly with their hurt. This hurt leads to certain behaviors and feelings of hate, anger, and being overly critical of others. People look to find fault in others to justify their own selfish behaviors.

The Fruit that Bitterness Produces:

The root of bitterness is easy to hide and camouflage because seldom do we really want to admit that we may be holding onto unforgiveness. We would rather laugh our hurt away or perhaps mask it with chemical behaviors to ease our pain. But what we see as a temporary fix to a deeper issue can only produce behaviors in people which causes them to become hypersensitive, ungrateful, insincere, hold grudges, and yes – have a wide variety of mood swings.

Bitterness will affect you physically, emotionally, and spiritually because the fruit of bitterness is like cancer that unless dealt with—will spread—

When our heart is bitter, we avoid God’s Word – why? Because it is easier and less painful to bury our hurt than to examine it. The truth be known, hatefulness and holiness cannot dwell effectively in the same heart.

How to Get Rid of the Root

Let God Reveal It

“The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked; who can know it?”
Jeremiah 17:9

A deceitful heart cannot diagnose a deceitful heart. You must ask God to show you if you are indeed festering any wrongful feelings toward another.

Let Grace Reveal

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”
C.S. Lewis

A response of bitterness is never right when someone has done something wrong to you. You need to ask God to forgive you, and He will by His grace. By the grace of God, bury that hurt in the grave of God’s forgetfulness.

Let Goodness Replace It

When you forgive, you set two people free, and one of them is you!

Until next time, remember HOPE4:29.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Ephesians 4:29

About Doug Gould